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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  February 12, 2013 10:30am-11:00am PST

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>> jon: that's our show, everybody. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. former mets catcher mike piazza will be here. i don't know what we'll talk about but he'll be here. here it is your moment of zen. >> i just feel for you, allen. i've been out there a lot. i didn't realize how bad one feels being in the studio talking to someone who is shivering out on the captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh
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captioning sponsored by comedy central ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. good to see you. welcome to the show. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting see it ben] [crowd chanting stephen] thank you so much. thank you so much. good to have you with us. [cheers and applause] folks, nation, everybody in this country knows america is at cyber war. if you don't know that then you
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obviously have never seen the movie johnny knew monic or given your am ex-number toll volume/35. where the hell are the max girth herbal settlements. you promised must satisfy in the sex time they wants so bad in all happy spots lax laugh the hackers have struck again. >> a hacker broke into the personal e-mail accounts of members of bush family. >> the hacker known about it name gooseifer gained access to names, addresses and photos. >> stephen: that's right. goosifer. police have already release aid sketch of criminal. [laughter] that's the guy. president bush is now say private citizen, please. some hacker has no right to spread his personal information all over the internet.
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that's facebook's job. i condemn goosifer and i further condemn all journalists exploiting this violation toll fill air time. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] jimmy? [cheers and applause] do we have anything on this? [laughter] the most interesting items taken from the account, a pair of paintings from george w. bush. >> stephen: yes, paingts by george w. bush. president clinton has his global initiative and jimmy carter has habitat for humanity but now we know that george w. bush is hard at work painting self portraits in the shower. [ laughter ] that say bold artistic vision
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that says faces are hard. [ laughter ] it's not like the president sits around day painting shower portraits. he also did one taking a bath because after a hard day's painting in the shower, there's nothing like a relaxing paint in the tub. of course, we may never know exactly what the artist intended with these works but looking at the muted palette, the fusion of the delicate background, i think it's safe to say, how can i kill some time before swamp wars. [laughter] nation, this morning i did what i always do, i went on huffington post to get my rage levels up and to check out the most adorable panda nip slips but when i was there i saw something truly shocking. actual news. according to the 72-point font:
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pope out. naturally i was shocked. the pope came out of the closet? [laughter] i mean it makes -- [cheers and applause] i mean it makes sense. the guy hasn't had a girlfriend in like forever and he's a total catch but it turned tout be something much more shock. >> the breaking news this morning, pope benedict saying he will resign. >> he will resign at the end of february. >> stephen: resign? the pope is quitting? popes don't quit. god has a way of telling popes when it's time to retire. it's called death, okay? [laughter] [cheers and applause] very few audiences are willing to applaud for death. [ laughter ] think about it, you didn't see
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jp2 trading his papal staff for a nine iron and moving to boca. a pope has not voluntarily resigned in 717 years. i mean what is even the ritual for announcing it? i know when the cardinals are voting, no pope is black smoke. a new pope is white smoke. i assume slacker spoap bong smoke. -- slacker pope is bong smoke. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] why is the holy see saying holy see you later? >> it's strength of mind and body is necessary. strength has tee deteriorating in me to the extend that i could accurately fulfill the ministry entrusted to me. >> stephen: really? i'm calling p.m. it on this one.
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[cheers and applause] first of all, you dent get to leave for that? you think i'm mentally and physically up to doing my job? absolutely not. i'm duct taped to this chair every night and the only reason my lips are still moving is because they rub the top of my mouth with peanut butter. [ laughter ] pope benedict is clearly being pushed out. i know this may shock you but it's possible that the catholic church is involved if a coverup. [ laughter ] i just -- i just cannot get over this. what is benedict going to do with himself in retirement? become a wal-mart greeter, or i don't know take up a new hobby? i have no interest in seeing his self portrait in the shower. [ laughter ]
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think about this, okay. his departure is going to leave a terrible void. he is out on february 28 but the college of cardinals may not elect a new pope until the end of march. do you realize what this means? we could have an entire month with no infallible person on earth. there's no rules. it's like a catholic free for all, passion out pez disspencers full of birth control, using the lord's name in vein, it's like being a presbyterian. [ laughter ] who is on deck? who is the next pope? >> who is the next pope? >> who comes next, we don't know. >> i love doing this, by the way, it's more fun than anything i've done lately. it's a horse race. >> stephen: yes, it's a horse race, thank you, chris. the rock on whom jesus built his
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church, yeah, basically the same as the iowa straw polls. [ laughter ] i could go for some mashed potatoes. [laughter] who is it going to be? who is going tow about the next pope? for more let's head open to the papal speculatron 7500. [cheers and applause] welcome. welcome to the papal speculatro where we take you down to paradise city, where the smoke is white and girls are not permitted. let's look where you find catholics in the world. this area. [laughter] now, the early favorite is the archbishop of milan angelo scola
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until john paul ii italians held the papacy for 50 0 years. it was the ultimate dynasty like the yankees only with less money. cardinal mark ouelette is a major front runner with one problem: he's a canadian. p.m. saying, i don't think god wants you to use a condom, aye, won't work. who wants a pope with a staff like this. [ laughter ] some are brgt on a third world pope like ghana's peter turkson who would be the first block pope of 1500 years sending a message of inclusion and virtually guaranteeing tyler perry's madea goes to rome.
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[cheers and applause] hello. hello. [laughter] folks, i say it's high time we had an american pope. [cheers and applause] after all -- [cheers and applause] after all, god is an american. that's why the intiebl in english. [ laughter ] and there's a great candidate. >> timothy dolan is the most powerful catholic in the country, the president of president catholic bisons. >> stephen: even more important dole january my personal bff: bishop friend forever. [cheers and applause] and tonight, tonight, ladies and gentlemen i'm giving timothy cardinal dolan the colbert bump. [cheers and applause]
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all you catholics out there, i want to you vote for him. what is that? we don't get to vote? that is taraspaciez. [ laughter ] when we return i'll handicap when we return i'll handicap this race with the chaplain of so free credit score's
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redesigned site has this new score planner tool with these cool sliders. this one lets us know what happens if we miss a payment. oh. this one lets us know what happens if we use less credit. yeah. what's this one do? i dunno. speaking mongolian.
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score planner is free to everyone. free score applies with enrollment in mongolian slider still in beta. >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thanks so much. folks, thank you for joining the broadcast already in progress. as you know, pope benedict has resigned. the question is: who is going to get the nod for the top job? joining me now chaplain of the colbert nation father jim martin. thank you so much for joining me. [cheers and applause] father jim, were you shocked this morning when you learned the pope would be resigning? >> i was. it's not unexpected because he talked about it sort of obliquely but i don't think anybody was expecting it. >> stephen: it's completely unexpected. i talk about running the new york city mamplet i'm never going to do it. no pope has resigned voluntarily since the pope in 1294.
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there's barely any trees on the planet who remember this. what happens now? there is no tradition for this. what happens? >> no there's not. there's a conclave, an election when the cardinals gather. >> stephen: there's still going to be a pope when they elect a new one. >> he's going to resign on february 28. there's no pope, a vacant seat and someone will take over in his place temporarily. >> stephen: who takes over? who is mini pope for a while? [laughter] >> the person known as the chamberlain will take over for a bit but the pope will apparently retire and write books. i heard he is moving to a convent, believe it or not. >> stephen: wow. is that cricket -- >> he's the pope he can do whatever he wants. >> stephen: you heard me give the colbert bump to cardinal dolan. could there be an american pope? >> i think it's very unlikely
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but if there is one it would be him buts unlikely. >> stephen: why, america, we have the best catholics. [ laughter ] we do. american catholics. >> shocking other people don't see that. >> stephen: really? >> cardinals that come from other countries and other parts of world bring the same kind of biases that their fellow countrymen and women would have and america is not most popular nation worldwide. >> stephen: there's almost never a first ballot pope, right? >> it's unusual but there's been some. >> stephen: can i tell you the theory? i think on the first ballot everybody just votes for themselves. you know, on the off chance they go like, you know what maybe i'm so humble i don't know there's a groundswell behind me. we'll see what is going on. why not me. why not?
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peeking of which, why not me? i could be pope? [cheers and applause] is it possible? [crowd chanting see stephen] >> what would you choose as your name be if you were pope? >> stephen: i'm a big fan of urban, i would be urban the iii. >> not suburban. >> stephen: father chuckles, absolutely. it seems to me it's a problem to have an ex-pope while you've got a present pope because you have a very opinionated ex-pope. what if the new pope gets on the balcony there and says stuff that the new pope doesn't like. suddenly the old pope shows up and goes, you're crazy.
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then you have an avignon situation again. >> you see someone in benedict able to relinquish the raines of power. here is someone free with that i think it's probableity last thing he would do. >> stephen: we don't know. it hasn't happened in 700 years. >> you're right we don't know. >> stephen: father jim thank you. his new e-book is[cheers and ap]
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>> stephen: welcome bark everybody. my guest tonight say pulitzer prize winning author whose new book is called why preach. answer: cause god. please welcome garry wills. boom. boom. mrs. wills -- mr. wills, thank you for joining america it's all catholic all the time tonight. >> yes. >> stephen: you are a pulitzer-prize winning author of many books including "why i am a catholic" "paipel sins" and "lincoln at gettysburg." your new book is called "why preach: a failed tradition." what do you mean failed snl it's been over thousands of years. what is failed about that?
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>> well, they continue to pretend to turn bread and wine into the body and blood of jesus which doesn't happen. >> stephen: you hold it right there, buddy? are you a catholic? >> yes. >> stephen: you don't believe in it? >> was augustine a catholic. >> stephen: early catholic hadn't developed yet. third century. >> he said it's ridiculous that we eat god, digest god and excreate god. said the body of christ is us, the followers of jesus. >> stephen: of course, you are what you eat. if we take the eucharist we become the body of christ. >> we don't consume him, he consumes us. >> stephen: he said this is my body this, is my blood. >> there he was in his body. he said eat this bred, it's my body. he didn't say take a chunk out of my arm or tap my blood.
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[laughter] >> stephen: if jesus is in heaven and on earth how can they be in two place as the once. >> it's the trin jit a mystery. >> stephen: the eucharist is also a mystery. >> no, it's a fake. [ laughter ] >> stephen: let's get back to priests. >> yes. >> stephen: surely you had some good experience with priests. >> many. >> stephen: are you calling them fool? >> they are brothers in christ as long as they don't pretend to do the impossible they do wonderful things. >> stephen: christ rose from the dead. >> yes. >> stephen: how can you accept that and not accept that god can work through the priest top transsub stan shiite. >> nothing in the bible -- >> stephen: upon this rock i build my church and the gates of hell should not prevail against it. >> that didn't say he was a priest. [ laughter ] >> stephen: no but st. paul
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says thou are a priest forever -- >> that was not st. paul. >> stephen: that's not paul? >> nobody knows who wrote it. it's a mysterious anonymous document. >> stephen: isn't it in the bible? >> yes. >> stephen: then god wrote it. [ laughter ] okay. [ laughter ] >> you are right it's from that epivotel of -- epistle of hebrews. since jesus couldn't become a priest in jewish law they said, well, there was a priest of high god and abraham offered him a tithe and so jesus will be in the line of him and he wasn't even a jew. it's a crazy letter. >> stephen: are you a jew? >> no steerntle neither am i so that works for me. [ laughter ] when you die, not soon i hope, when you die are you going to
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want a priest there to give you last rites? >> no. >> stephen: why? >> because it's an invented sacrament that had no foundation in the early church. the prayer of the body of christ is a prayer of all my fellow christians. i'd like a private or any other christian to be there praying with me. he's a brother in christ but he's not the only conduit of god's grace. >> stephen: priest have dedicated their lives to this? >> well, they say so. >> stephen: would you rather no priests at all. >> yes. >> stephen: what about pope? >> aren't they a priest? >> stephen: a superpriest. would you like it to go benedict the 16th to nobody the first. >> very good idea. >> stephen: is there any value to the proofthood you think we would be losing if we got rid of all priests? >> leadership in the community,
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protestant and catholic is always good. the priests can do that. that's fine. teach the bible. you teach the bible. >> stephen: yeah, on this show. [laughter] where do you go after this? the barnes and noble in hell? [laughter] [cheers and applause] >> i pray not. >> stephen: you pray not, so do i. garry wills, everybody. [cheers and applause] the book is "whyriest priest


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